What the heck!?!?

So, I find myself being very frustrated... with everything really.

Right now, it's ME. I'm frustrated with me. I have the tendency to transfer blame and with Jim being the only one in my life that I feel who 'controls' me- I transfer a lot of blame to him.

What's wrong with me? Well, for starters- I'm lazy. I'm unmotivated, inconsistent and a slob. There are pockets throughout the day that I try really hard NOT to be, but when I'm not trying- I'm the most disgusting person I know.

I want help. I want to LEARN how to be a good housewife, a better mom and I want to STAY GOOD for awhile.

Today, I came across an ad for a lady who sold new & used baby shoes. Of course, I thought "Hey! I can do that, I've got LOTS of shoes from EACH of my kids." I mention the idea to Jim that I could open up own little 'online thrift store', I could call it "Brooklyn's Closet" and I could sell all the things she's growing out of at really cheap rates. He balked at the idea, (like he does with ALL of my ideas) and the more and more I thought about it, the more I talked myself out of it.

If you could slice my brain open, I could tell you what you'd find. I know all I'm doing is fishing for my 'calling'. I know I won't find it- not right now anyway. Especially with Jim's inapt to support me at ANYTHING I wanna do.

My calling is right around the corner tho, I can feel it. I saw this My Little Pony cartoon earlier today, they were talking about the little pony's 'cutie marks'. Each pony gets his or her cutie mark when they discover what is special about them. Until then, their flank is blank.

That's it! I have a blank flank. I used to think it was to be a mommy- and even though I love being a mommy more than anything in the world, my brain is MUCH more hungry than just that. I need something more- I need something to occupy my mind on a daily basis. I need something challenging, fun and fulfilling.

Uh- I want to know what it is I'm suppose to be doing. I want to know what 'thing' Jim will be okay with me doing. (rolling my eyes) You see that, I don't feel I should have to get his permission before I feel utterly and completely passionate about something. If I'm passionate then hey, I'm passionate- and what ever you do, don't try to stop this Pollard!

I think that's just the way it's gonna have to be, just like naming our 2nd child together. We couldn't agree on anything. I knew I had always wanted at least 2 or 3 girls someday, I HAD NAMES picked out for them too!

But there I was, 7 months pregnant and I was having my one and only girl. I should have been able to name her whatever I wanted... but Jim wanted to at least 'like' her name and we couldn't agree on one we both liked. Our solution, we came up with our own 'LIST' of names we each liked. We then thought, "Okay, once we're done with this list- we can compare lists and see if there is any name(s) that we BOTH had on our list." We then turned our 'cards' over and to our disappointment, we didn't have ANY name in common.

Jim then thought, "ok- I'll pick one name from your list and you pick one name from mine and there you go- we have 2 names." I was fine with that idea, as long our babies 1st name was from my list.

That's when Jim came up with Brooklyn Deelany. He thought the Delany name was cute but to add an extra E for my dad. (It was, and still is- the sweetest thing he has EVER done for me.)

Only problem is, I LOVED the name Brooklyn but HATED the name Delany. But I sat on it, and sat on it and came up with Brooklyn Deelana- with an A at the end. For some reason, it just sounded better to me. I couldn't figure out why.

Then, as I thought about it more- it hit me like a ton of bricks, "Ah-ha! It's your mom's name! Delena! It's the name she wanted to give you if you were a girl!" We were both pretty excited about it. Just adding the extra E and we have ourselves a winner.

So perhaps that's what I'll do for my 'cutie mark' idea. I'll come up with a bunch of career paths that I could go down and then have him pick and choose what he thinks would be a good idea for me. Once we can talk about each idea and agree, I'd love to move forward with it.

Right now, my cutie mark is 'supposed' to be house mom. But I think him and I both see how that's working for us... not very well at all!

Anyhoo, I'll keep you posted - who ever 'you' are. Even though I've shared this blog site with a handful of people, I don't know who is actually reading and I'm not so sure I 'should' care... but I do. All I know is, my husband could care LESS about what I was truly thinking... he has yet to learn more about the real me. :'o(